I Didn't Love Her
by Loveless1310
Summary: I didn't love her when we started this. I respected her more than anyone else in the galaxy and she was my closest friend. I would follow her to the ends of the universe if she needed me to but I did not love her. (Now with Shepards POV)
1. I Didn't Love Her

So I was reading To The Winner Go The Spoils by the brilliant alaskamoe and there was a line in it that caught my attention. This story came from that. I love FemShepXGarrus but my mind wouldn't let this go. Hope you enjoy it and please go read alaskamoe's story too, it's great :-)

* * *

I didn't love her when we started this. I respected her more than anyone else in the galaxy and she was my closest friend. I would follow her to the ends of the universe if she needed me to but I did not love her.

It wasn't about me loving her though, it was about her needing someone and choosing me. I still don't know why she did. There were plenty of other humans that could have done so much more for her.

She was my commanding officer and my best friend. Whenever she needed me, I'd be there for her. I did care about her, just not like that.

* * *

"What if we skipped right to the tie breaker. We could test your reach, and my flexibility." What had she just said? Did she just proposition me?

I had to think about how to reply for a moment. I'd never really thought of Shepard like that. She was my best friend and I cared about her, but not in that way.

The way she looked right now though. Looking away from me with a shyness I'd never seen before. A little bit of hope was flickering around in her eyes, something I hadn't seen in weeks, maybe months.

I muttered something about her liking scars while I was trying to get my brain to catch up. I knew what I had to do because it was Shepard and she need something. If I could help her at least a little bit, then it would be worth it. I owed her that much.

""Well, why the hell not? There's nobody in this galaxy I respect more than you." And there isn't. If I could make her happy by being with her, then so be it. She was the savior of our galaxy and if she needed me to sacrifice something for her, I would.

* * *

She comes to talk to me every day. Always the same. We'll talk about the latest mission or sometimes reminisce about the whole Seren thing. Remember those who fell. This time was different though. I needed to talk to her. I needed to be sure that this is what she wanted. This is what she would be happy with.

"Are we crazy to even be thinking about this? You could find something a little closer to home." I tried to give her an out, maybe she would see that we were just too different and she would decide against it.

"I don't want something closer to home. I want you. I want someone I can trust." Of course, she doesn't change her mind. But if this is what she wants then I'll go along with it.

"I can do that. I'll find some music and do some research to figure out how this will work."

"You know Garrus, if you're not comfortable with this, it's ok. I'm not trying to pressure you."

And then she gave me an out. Just like that. I could say to forget the whole thing but I would have to see the disappointment cross her face. I would have to make her sad and I can't do that. I wanted to at least be able to give her something.

"Shepard, you're about the only friend I have left in this screwed up galaxy. I'm not going to pretend I have a fetish for humans... but this isn't about that. It's about us." You "You don't ever have to worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous, yes, but never uncomfortable."

So we set a rough date for this to take place on and we didn't talk much about it again. Not until the night before the Omega relay jump.

* * *

On the eve of the Omega jump, I still didn't find much feeling for Shepard beyond the intense friendship we had and my loyalty to my commander. I still didn't love her and I doubted she loved me. She just needed something stable and I was the only one to be here for her from the beginning. (Well, besides Joker, but I doubt that they were very interested in each other.)

Still, I was nervous as I was walking to her cabin. I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't even sure if she would want to go through with this now. Talking about it is one thing but actually doing it? She might back down when she actually sees our differences.

I would side by her decision either way. Whatever she wanted tonight, I would gladly get her. I didn't have much to give anymore but I would give it to her.

The first few minutes were awkward. I didn't really know how to court a female human. Turians were easy, but I knew what to compliment on them. Humans? They were much more difficult.

I wasn't lying when I told her that I wanted something to go right for once. Though she probably assumed I was talking about us working out. I really just didn't want to screw up making her happy. She deserved everything in the galaxy that would make her happy but she chose me at that point and I wanted to make sure I could do something for her. Finally do something right.

Things got better after that. We joked and laughed. Got a little drunk. And then she said something I wasn't expecting.

"I want to be with you Garrus, forever. I don't just want this to be a one time thing before what may be our last mission. I want to be able to take the Collectors head on and know I have something to come back to. A reason to survive."

I looked at her, she was curled up in my lap at the moment and she looked so small. There was a darkness in her eyes that rarely showed itself. I knew she was trying to not hope for too much but she wanted this to happen.

I held her a little closer to me, shielding her from everything that I possibly could. "I'll always be here for you Shepard. I'm not going anywhere so don't worry. Tomorrow will work out great. We'll get the crew back and stop the Collectors and then we'll come back here. Together."

She smiled at those words. A real smile that wasn't strained or worried. It just reflected happiness. And finally, I had done something right. Making her happy almost made up for my other failures.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, she was sound asleep beside me. She had a small smile on her face and she looked at peace. I was glad to see her looking so relaxed.

I slowly got out of the bed and slowly stumbled to the bag of dextro stuff I brought. I grab a drink and a small snack and sat down at her desk.

I was admiring her model ship collection when I heard her stir and then say my name with a hint of panic in her voice.

"Shepard, are you ok?" I got up quickly and went to her side.

She looked at me and I could see that there were unshed tears in her eyes. "I thought you left. I thought you didn't have a good time and were done with me."

I was shocked for a moment. I hadn't realized that Shepard was this insecure. Maybe it had to do with her past. Her life hadn't been easy when she was growing up and Akuze just made it that much worse.

I held her close to me and ran my talons through her hair, a soothing gesture I'd seen humans use. "I told you last night that I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you."

She stayed in my arms until Joker came over the comm and told us that it almost time to make the jump.

When she pulled away from me she was Commander Shepard again. "Let's go get them." She smiled at me and all I could do was return the smile.

I knew we would make it back from this mission, together. When we returned, there would be time for us to be together, and maybe in that time I could learn to love this strange creature who chose me over everyone else in the galaxy.

* * *

So, I have this super sad backstory for my Shepard in my mind because this one grew up on the streets and doesn't trust people much but I really don't want to write it out. If you're really interested send me a message an I'll think about writing a backstory for her. Also, I don't plan to go further with this but I might. Send me a message about that too if your interested in reading more.


	2. I Didn't Love Him

So, someone wanted to see Shepards thoughts so here are those. I'll be continuing with Garrus in the next few days and adding that chapter to this as well.

In the beginning of this chapter, I imagine that Tali isn't back on the Normandy yet, so right now Garrus is the only one from the first one that's still there. (Besides Joker)

* * *

I didn't love him when we started this. He was the only friend I really had left. Everyone else was busy with their lives. He was the only one to come rushing back to help me.

I didn't love him but I did need him. I needed to have something that was stable. Something I could count on being there and I knew he could be that.

He was my best friend and I knew that he would be ok with just one night of peace, for both of us.

* * *

I had been wondering how I was going to ask him to do this when this situation just kind of presented itself to me. I couldn't miss an opportunity like this. It was almost perfect.

"What if we skipped right to the tie breaker. We could test your reach, and my flexibility." And that's how it started. I was a little afraid that he would say no though. I had never propositioned anyone I actually cared about before. Sex was never intimate for me, just something to get my mind off of everything else.

He seemed a little nervous after I asked, shuffling a little on his feet and mumbling something about me liking scars. He quickly regained his composer though, replying easily with "Well, why the hell not? There's nobody in this galaxy I respect more than you."

So that was a good thing. He accepted that I had at least some interest in him and I accepted that he probably was only doing this because we were friends. But it would help. It would be nice to have something to look forward to.

* * *

I always go and do my rounds, talking to all of my crew to make sure they were doing ok and they didn't need anything. I also check to see if they have any suggestions for making the ship better.

I was nearing Jacobs post to check on how he was doing after finding his father. It seemed to have hit him hard and I needed to make sure he had his head in the mission still.

"How are you doing Jacob? I know that couldn't have been easy for you." I said, trying to sound a little concerned.

"I'm doing alright, I guess. I already mourned the man that he was. This man can rot in jail for all I care." He says this but he still seemed a little angry.

"That seems a little cold Jacob. Do you really mean that?" He seemed like a different person than that. A better person.

"He left my family, Shepard. We thought he was dead. Now I wish he had been. He had taught me to be a good man and then I find him enslaving people. He is not the father I knew. And don't worry, this won't effect my performance on our mission." He seemed very set on that so how could I argue.

"If you say so. I just wanted to make sure you were ok." I said as I started to head to the elevator.

"Shepard." He called and I turned to look at him. "Thank you. If you ever need anything, I'm here for you." He didn't meet my eye after saying that.

I faked a small smile and then walked away. He wasn't the one I needed anything from. With that, I went to see Garrus.

* * *

I approached the gun room (AN: currently don't remember what it's called) slowly, quietly. I always want to sneak up on him. It never works but I can still try. I stop outside and listen in for a moment. He seems to be pasing and that's a bit confusing. He never pases.

I get worried for a moment before logic comes back to me and I calm down. It's probably nothing.

I open the door and he seems to jump a little and look at me. 'I finally caught him off guard.' I silently celebrate while another part of my mind worries more.

"Can we talk?" I hear my mouth say. I must be very worried about him. Maybe he wants to leave now because he feels like he can't say no to me.

He calms down and steadies himself. "Are we crazy to even be thinking about this? You could find something a little closer to home." And I can't tell if he's trying to get rid of me or protect me.

I think back to Jacob offering to be there for me and I don't like that idea. "I don't want something closer to home. I want you. I want someone I can trust." And I do trust him. More than I've ever trusted another being before.

"I can do that. I'll find some music and do some research to figure out how this will work."

Something hits me then. Maybe he thinks that he really can't say no because I'm his commander. "You know Garrus, if you're not comfortable with this, it's ok. I'm not trying to pressure you." I didn't want him to feel like I'm making him do this. He did have a choice.

"Shepard, you're about the only friend I have left in this screwed up galaxy. I'm not going to pretend I have a fetish for humans... but this isn't about that. It's about us. You don't ever have to worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous, yes, but never uncomfortable." He said it with such conviction, like he really wanted to be with me.

I left the room feeling lighter, like some of the weight that I had on my shoulders had been lifted. My heart was fluttering a little too, which it had never done before. I think I might be getting too invested in this.

* * *

On the eve of the Omega jump, I think I was more attached to him than I wanted to admit. He had always been there for me. He was the only one that trusted me immediately, not really questioning why I was with Cerberus. He never got mad at me and always listened to what I had to say.

I really cared about him and that hit me like a ton of bricks, knocking the wind out of me. I had to sit down in the shower to calm myself. I couldn't loose him but I was about to send him on a mission that would most likely kill him.

Maybe I could leave him on the ship. I couldn't see that going well though. I just didn't know what I would do if he died. There would be nothing left for me.

At that point EDI came over the com, telling me that Garrus was on his way up to my cabin.

I quickly got out of the shower and was dressed when he got to the door.

I don't think I had ever seen him out of his armor. His body didn't look bad, just different. Plus, he looked adorable standing nervously in the doorway.

He became cuter when he started rambling about fringes and hair and tried to find some good music. His taste was a little lacking but I could fix that, show him what's good to listen to.

I'm still not sure if he was referring to wanting us to work out but my heart fluttered anyway. I couldn't imagine him having real feeling for me but I couldn't help what I felt for him. No matter what, everything would be alright though.

We relaxed after that. Got a little drunk. Joked and laughed. And then I felt my mouth talk again.

"I want to be with you Garrus, forever." Damn mouth, shut up. "I don't just want this to be a one time thing," It continued, "before what may be our last mission. I want to be able to take the Collectors head on and know I have something to come back to. A reason to survive."

I could see that this surprised him and truthfully, it surprised me too. I could feel my past coming back to me, expecting him to get up and leave me then and there but he didn't.

He just held me closer and said, "I'll always be here for you Shepard. I'm not going anywhere so don't worry. Tomorrow will work out great. We'll get the crew back and stop the Collectors and then we'll come back here. Together."

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. My heart was doing leaps in my chest and I felt like we could take on the world, together.

Everything would be ok.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, he wasn't there. I didn't handle that well. I thought maybe he thought about it and decided he didn't really want me. I thought he was going to leave me. When I called out his name, I couldn't quite keep the panic out of my voice.

"Shepard, are you ok?" I then saw him stand from my desk and quickly come to my side.

I could feel the tears in my eyes and I felt stupid for over reacting. "I thought you left. I thought you didn't have a good time and were done with me." It wouldn't have surprised me. I'd been used before.

He took me in his arms and started to run his talons through my hair. I didn't know how he knew that would help but didn't much care. "I told you last night that I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you."

That's all I needed. I stayed in his arms, relishing the feel of someone caring for me. Joker soon came over the comm telling us that it was almost time to make the jump.

I pulled away from him and was once again Commander Shepard. "Let's go get them." I felt that damn smile come back to my face.

Though, I did feel better about the mission, knowing I had something to come home to. Knowing he would always be here when I came back. We would make it through this and then we could be together.

* * *

So there's that. As I said, I'll be writing more from Garrus' point of view later for what happened after 2 and partly during 3.

Hope you enjoy. At some point I'm probably going to have to write out the past I have for this Shepard, just to explain why she's so fragile seeming, just not yet.


End file.
